The Love Files

Truth is, I have a hard time figuring out who I am when you’re around.  Sometimes, I find myself being obnoxious and sarcastic while in other moments, I just sit there silently thinking.  I don’t know why it’s come to this.  Just a few weeks ago, everything was still fine.  I didn’t have to adopt these other personas.  I was comfortable, but maybe that’s why everything changed.  I got too comfortable too quickly.  I’m not really used to people welcoming me as a friend with such open arms.  Usually, there’s a catch.  In exchange for their friendship, I’m usually asked to help them out with something or meet some expectation and I’ve sort of accepted it as the norm.  But with you, that wasn’t the case.  You made the effort to hang out with me and get to know me and it was…different.  I’m not sure how else to describe it.  But, because of this new change, I’m not exactly sure what to do.  It was easier to be me when I didn’t really know you but now that we’ve gotten closer, the cynic in me feels compelled to push you away.  There’s a large part of me that keeps saying, “Good things don’t last forever” and because I’m so absolutely convinced of that, there’s a part of me that is trying to screw things up now to cushion the eventual pain.  Stupid, right?  Any other person would just enjoy what’s happening right now but I am that insecure idiot that needs to screw things up.  I’m not sure what the point of writing this was anymore but, if you’re reading this and happen to guess that I am talking about you, just know that I don’t actually hate you.  When I say something mean or sarcastic, I do it because I don’t exactly know how else I should act.  Truth is, it shouldn’t be hard for me to tell you the truth or be true around you but I’d be lying if I said it was.