The Love Files

” Crashing through a deeper ocean
Drowned in waves of pure emotion
Tears they’re rolling from each others eyes.
It’s you and me against the world now
Take my hand, lets find a marching band
That beats the rhythm of our hearts “

-Joe Brooks

dear sgs,

i feel slightly empowered today.  i feel empowered enough today to say that maybe it’s your loss, not mine, that you can’t see what i can offer.  i could offer you the hand to hold when you’re feeling a bit scared, the memorable hug when you’re feeling a bit down, an open ear when you need to talk but most importantly, i could offer you my whole heart.  but still, it makes no difference to you.

to be honest, i’m a little tired of trying so hard all the time.  maybe, i should play a little harder to get or maybe, i should just straight out pretend you don’t exist…but i know i can’t do either thing.  today, i feel it more that ever that i should stay true to myself.  i’ve laid my cards on the table but you haven’t even taken one.

maybe they’re right when they say, you don’t deserve my time or my love or any part of me because you can’t see me for what I am.  but who I am kidding?  trying to give you up would be harder than dealing with any combination of addictions.  in many ways, you’re the thing that keeps me sane, keeps me breathing, keeps me living.  but too bad, that only applies on my part.

i feel empowered enough today to try and not think about you today.  i feel strong enough today to look in the mirror and not criticize the person staring back at me but actually smile and think, “you’re perfect. don’t change”  i feel confident enough today to not come up with any witty response if you decide to talk to me but just be me.  i feel sure enough today to not seek you out first but rather, have you seek me out.

and maybe tomorrow, i’ll still feel the same way or maybe i’ll fall back into the rut again.  but i just needed you to know that today, i know i don’t need you to survive and i know i’ll figure out my own path to happiness. today, i’m going to explore my own possibilities and i don’t need you to be my guide.

always,
ekl.

and then again, maybe it’s not worth it. maybe my friend is right, relationships in college don’t work out unless the person goes to the same school or lives in the same city. i see my friends’ relationships dropping like flies right and left, i see my new friends having trouble with their own long-distance partners, and i think, really, is all of this worth it?

and i don’t know. maybe that’s the wrong answer, but i don’t. i don’t know if either of us could put ourselves through that, if we would want to. if maybe, in the end, it would make us hate each other, each of us blaming the other for our misery. i don’t want that to happen, but at the same time, i want you, and i don’t know what i want.

see why this is so confusing?

i think i want you because it’s easy. because you’re familiar, and i know that somewhere, you love me. but is being in a relationship really what’s best for the both of us right now? being entrenched in this, having a connection with someone far from you, has to be distracting. and i don’t know that either of us could handle it.

so i’m see-sawing, wondering, knowing that, in the end, nothing will happen. because you’re you, and i’m me, and we’re both practical people. we know what we can and can’t do and, right now at least, we can’t do this. as much as it will kill both of us, how much more would it kill us to be in the relationship, wanting out?

-c.

dear sgs,

i really thought that this time we could change everything.  i thought that the opportunity would come for us to finally lay all the cards on the table but i guess you weren’t prepared.  i have to admit that i still don’t quite understand how you can just forget.  how can you possibly forget about it when your statements and mine keep ringing through my head?

we both admitted that we wouldn’t stay mad and that we’d get over this and just be “normal” again.  but what is normal and are we content with it?  i don’t feel as if normal suffices for me.  i don’t want to fall back into the constant pulling and pushing and the silence.  i don’t want to fall back into lonely nights, silent tears and empty eyes.  but you seem fine with it.

although i did say that i am over what happened, i’m not.  i fear that you’re just going to close up again because you think i don’t understand when i actually do.  in fact, your insecurity about yourself is something i wholeheartedly understand because around you, i’m nothing but a bag of nerves.  i can’t laugh, smile, frown…exist normally around you because i’m so caught up in hoping that you don’t walk away from me and think, “gee, what a stupid girl”.

you might also don’t think i don’t understand why you’re so tight-lipped about everything but i get that too.  i walk around the same environment as you and although i might look like nothing can get me down, i’m down.  i’m eternally filled with all sorts of worries and problems and i don’t live that perfect life.  i understand why you might be scared to break down some of those barriers because i used to fear that the most.  i used to think, just like you, that i needed people to like me but not anymore.  you see, i’ve learned, perhaps in the hardest way, that all i need is someone i can trust and talk to but you, you have nobody.  i’m terrified that you’ll begin to internalize so much that you’ll become broken.  i’m terrified that this mask you put on daily will no longer be a mask but instead, will be embedded in your skin.

i see you for all your worth and all your flaws and still, at the end of the day, i still find you to be perfect.  i wish you were able to see, like me, your own self-worth and just how great you are already.  anyone can hide but it’s facing up to yourself and working through that that shows you’re strong.  i know you can do it and i know just how strong you are, i just wish you believed in some of it too.

always,
ekl.

as much as i tell myself i won’t, i find myself missing you, in the littlest ways. there will be random songs i hear, or things i see people do, that remind me of you; there are always things that happen during my days that i want to tell you about. i just wish it weren’t so hard to talk to you — it’s so hard to get you to take anything seriously, to have a meaningful conversation with you about anything. i think it’s partially you being afraid of getting in too deep, and me being afraid to even try. because sometimes, you make me feel so small and so stupid, that i wonder if what i have to say is worth saying.

sometimes i revert back to the time when i first met you. i found you so intimidating: you’re smarter than me, and you don’t say much, and i swore that you didn’t like me very much. sometimes i still think that — that i’m a useless friend, that i’m not a particularly interesting person, that you shouldn’t waste time on me. and it isn’t your fault that i feel this way, but all the same, i can’t help the fact that i do.

but then there are other times where we can just laugh about random things; our senses of humor are more similar than they first appear. and i have always loved the fact that you can make me laugh, anytime — even when i’m burning mad at you. and i think that was the kicker. that’s what really made me fall for you, and what kept me hanging there.

except now, i don’t know how i’ll feel when i see you again, if that same feeling will be there. i get flashes of it now, times when i’ll reach out and then remember that you’re far away from me, and that you have been for a while. i’ll wonder how i began to get along without you; i think i’m forgetting what it was like when you were here, all the time. and that’s what hurts the most — the forgetting. the not knowing whether or not it can be the same again if and when i see you, the wondering if maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

—-

today, my suitemate and the guy across the hall were curled up together while we watched tv, and i got this furious ache in my chest, because that’s what i wanted from you — what i still want, if it can be done. i want that being together, or at least, that sense that we can fit together somehow. i know that, if we tried, we could not be together all the time; in fact, we would not be able to be together most of the time. but if i still feel this way, and you still feel this way, isn’t it worth the risk? at this point, i don’t know what we have to lose. practicality be damned, because somewhere, part of me still loves you, and part of me is never going to stop.

please tell me my dreams are not empty.

-c.

dear sgs,

someone told me today that i was being a tad over sentimental about you.  she reminded me that before you, i lived a different life.  i wasn’t the girl i am now.  i didn’t spend countless hours, minutes and seconds dreaming of all the possibilities between me and you.  i didn’t see you as someone perfect, someone i’d like to meet on an intimate level.  and i realized, despite denying it at first, that she was absolutely right. because of you, i’ve seemed to lost the flair that defines me as a character.  because of you, it seems that i’ve become a mixture of two characters i hardly recognize.  i’ve been playing out my dream life  instead of being a part of the reality around me. maybe that’s part of the reason why we’re stuck in this rut.  maybe that’s part of the reason why we can’t move backwards or forwards.  still, the feelings that you give me, constantly ripple in my heart and are imprisoned forever on the walls of my soul.  i think it’s crazy that i’m so in love with you.  it’s almost like i’m a kid living in a candy paradise or living in a world where it’s christmas everyday.  irregardless darling, i’ll always love you.

always,
ekl

ps. you might not think so, but you make your knickers look so good.

i’m going to take it as a bad sign that a boy playing a guitar makes me think of you and your trumpet, and that it makes me miss you. the sound makes me feel empty inside; it’s not full or loud, and it doesn’t fill up spaces. trumpets are solid and assertive (in the ways that you aren’t), and guitars just charm the lower parts of quiet. i cannot reconcile the two.

and isn’t that ridiculous? i think i’m made of ridiculous notions, and sweetheart, it’s all your fault.

-c.

dear sgs,

what is love and where do i find it?  i’m beginning to think that the roots of love starts and ends with you.  i find myself dreaming about you, wondering if somewhere out there, there’s a future for us but today, it didn’t seem likely when yesterday, it did.

every emotion i feel, every smile branded on me, every tear i cry…they’re all because of you.  some days i feel like running straight towards you and jumping into your arms and some days i feel like giving you a good hard slap across the face.  you make me feel so unpredictable, so unstable, living on the whims of only feeling and no thought.

like today, just a few hours ago, i stared out the window and felt the sun’s rays pouring down upon my face.  in that one instant, i felt like everything in the world was right but yet it was wrong at the same time.  life was wonderful because i had met you, the love of my life, the person who i would refer to as “the one” but yet life was terrible because this vision was only felt by me.  each day, as you walk on by me, it crushes me a little more knowing how completely one-sided this relationship is.  as much as i can dream about being romantically entangled with you forever, all it is is a dream.  the reality is other girls, other people captivate you more than me.  the reality is my personality can never be as charming as they are to you.  i can never be as pretty, as outgoing, as optimistic…as anything you’d want in your dream sweetheart no matter how hard i try.

still, its crazy yet wonderful to think that one person can hold so much power over you.  but if the person is you, i know i’m safe.  i know that in my dreams, if i get scared, your arms will be open for me.  i know that in my dreams, if i cry, you’ll wipe away my tears.  i know that in my dreams, when i laugh, you’ll laugh.  in my dreams we’re perfect, so in-sync.

yet, it scares me that when i come back to reality, there’s an empty void and try as i might it gets harder and harder to fill.  but i won’t give up and i won’t give in, i’ll try and i’ll try until there’s nothing left.  until, i know for certain that there isn’t anymore hope to fill this void.  i won’t give in because i know that this possible love is and can be

so they asked me what was love was and where i’d find it.  i know that it’s somewhere in you.  i know that i can find it every time i stutter when we talk.  i know that i can find it every time you leave a passing touch on my skin.  i know that i can find it just like i know i can feel the wind.  i might not be able to ever see it or touch it, but like the wind, i know it’s there.

always,
ekl.

today my friend asked me what what love was, and i wanted to tell her, “i honestly don’t know.” because, as cliche as it sounds, i honestly don’t know anymore. last month, i was pretty sure i knew the answer; i thought that i had known the answer since i was fifteen, but now i find myself questioning my original definition, because when it comes to you, it seems that none of the rules apply.

let me explain.

i fell for you when i shouldn’t have. let’s be honest: you’re not exactly the guy of my dreams. you would probably forget our anniversary and get me the wrong kind of flowers, or buy me ice cream because you wouldn’t remember that i’m lactose intolerant. and half the time you’d probably be playing video games and forgetting that i’m your girlfriend, and that yes, you’re supposed to be nice to me.

but i think we might have overlooked all of that for one simple reason: we made each other happy. you made me laugh, even when i was burning mad at you, and i made you laugh, despite the fact that you’re you, and, as a general rule, you never laugh. showing emotion is just not something that you do, except, it seems, when it comes to me. looks like i broke all of your rules, too.

but you see, we never got a chance to overlook those things. you became yet another tally under my coulda-woulda-shoulda column — or rather, i became a tally on yours. i tried, sweetheart. i really did. but for reasons i’m still not quite clear about, you didn’t want to reciprocate.

(but that, as you know, is a story for another day.)

and i was hurt, for a long time. but i got better. i got over the physical urge to be with you, i got over those first thoughts in the morning that would always be of you, i got over the dreams where we were together and, for one slow moment, were happy.

and i realized that i had, maybe, fallen out of love, if i had ever been there in the first place.

i’d thought that love was caring about another person more than yourself, about being willing to sacrifice almost anything to be with him or her. but now, i don’t know. because i did feel that for you, once, but not anymore, and i don’t know how something like that could be so fleeting.

maybe i just got tired of waiting, of hanging onto false hope.

and then i get thrown back into the water again, when i hear that you’re not quite over me. i get thrown back into the mix again when i find out that you’re still thinking about me.

so maybe love is this — maybe love is never quite getting the other person off your mind. and if love is that, then we’re both still feeling it and, sweetheart, what on earth are we doing?

-c.