I should walk around with a disclaimer like this. Relationships are messy and people get hurt but more importantly, I’m not good enough for anyone to put up with.
I don’t want to spend another summer writing letters that will never be read.
Truth is, I have a hard time figuring out who I am when you’re around. Sometimes, I find myself being obnoxious and sarcastic while in other moments, I just sit there silently thinking. I don’t know why it’s come to this. Just a few weeks ago, everything was still fine. I didn’t have to adopt these other personas. I was comfortable, but maybe that’s why everything changed. I got too comfortable too quickly. I’m not really used to people welcoming me as a friend with such open arms. Usually, there’s a catch. In exchange for their friendship, I’m usually asked to help them out with something or meet some expectation and I’ve sort of accepted it as the norm. But with you, that wasn’t the case. You made the effort to hang out with me and get to know me and it was…different. I’m not sure how else to describe it. But, because of this new change, I’m not exactly sure what to do. It was easier to be me when I didn’t really know you but now that we’ve gotten closer, the cynic in me feels compelled to push you away. There’s a large part of me that keeps saying, “Good things don’t last forever” and because I’m so absolutely convinced of that, there’s a part of me that is trying to screw things up now to cushion the eventual pain. Stupid, right? Any other person would just enjoy what’s happening right now but I am that insecure idiot that needs to screw things up. I’m not sure what the point of writing this was anymore but, if you’re reading this and happen to guess that I am talking about you, just know that I don’t actually hate you. When I say something mean or sarcastic, I do it because I don’t exactly know how else I should act. Truth is, it shouldn’t be hard for me to tell you the truth or be true around you but I’d be lying if I said it was.
love and lost
there is something ironic about being in love and being loved back — in getting what you want. because when you’re happy, when you’re in a state of almost perfect domestic bliss, when you’ve been settled down for almost eight months and you spend your nights together laughing and cooking and baking and taking walks and tickling each other and watching movies and making love and going on dates — when this happens, no one wants to hear about it. people like hearing about heartbreak, because heartbreak is so easy to relate to. heartbreak is so easy to find in a world where you feel like the risks you take in love are only rewarded with disappointment, when your parents are getting divorced and you’re getting rejected and it seems like that fairy tale ending will never actually find you. everyone wants to be able to relate to other people’s heartbreaks. nobody ever actually wants to hear about your domestic relationship, and even if they do, they’re probably steaming with jealousy inside when they hear about it.
ironically, in a way, it was easier for me to post to this tumblr before i was in a relationship. it was easier for me to find things to write about when i was in a constant state of uncertainty about where i stood with my now-boyfriend and the boys who came before him. now, i feel like i shouldn’t bore you all with stories about how we stay in on friday nights and huddle on the couch and watch movies and i hide under his arm during scary parts. i feel like i shouldn’t make you all have to deal with my gushing over how much we’re in love and how happy we both are. i feel like i owe you guys something more than that, something that you can relate to, something profound that will strike you — not, so we baked some brownies this weekend.
that’s not to say that my boyfriend and i don’t have our rough patches, our spats and fights, that i don’t annoy the living shit out of him sometimes and he doesn’t do the same to me, that we haven’t had our crises and our crying sessions. but for the first time in my life i can see forever. neither of us has ever been this happy in a relationship before, where we click on every single level — mentally, physically, emotionally.
but i don’t know how to explain that in words. believe me, i’ve tried. i spent an entire month trying to write a poem for this boy and it didn’t even begin to cover all the things i felt — and still absolutely feel — about him. i don’t know how to write about these feelings or this situation in a way that isn’t boring or ridiculously vague, so i’ve neglected posting to this site for almost as long as i’ve been in a relationship. and i feel ridiculously guilty about that, but i’m not sure how to fix it. i feel like i will probably post more in the summer because it will be the first time that we’ll be away from each other for an extended amount of time, but until then, i’m not really sure what to say. i’m not the kind of person to be at a loss for words — ever — but this boy, quite literally, leaves me speechless, every single day. even when i’m angry at him, i never let myself forget how lucky i am. i don’t know how to live without him.
and maybe that’s all there really is to say about it right now. maybe i have to try harder. i don’t really know, other than that for the first time in my life, i can say that i’m happy, and i’m truly in love.
We are told so often to remember to love others and to do good for others. Yet, we’re never told enough to remember that in order to bring love and happiness to others, we need to love and be happy with ourselves. We challenge you to smile and compliment yourself. Go ahead, give yourself a pat on the back. You’re wonderful and absolutely remarkable and we want you to remember that.
We’re so sorry for the lack of updates lately (aka, we haven’t actually posted something since December) but we’re back and hopefully stronger than ever! Thanks so much for sticking through with us! We appreciate it so much!
c. & ekl.