The Love Files

Truth is, I have a hard time figuring out who I am when you’re around.  Sometimes, I find myself being obnoxious and sarcastic while in other moments, I just sit there silently thinking.  I don’t know why it’s come to this.  Just a few weeks ago, everything was still fine.  I didn’t have to adopt these other personas.  I was comfortable, but maybe that’s why everything changed.  I got too comfortable too quickly.  I’m not really used to people welcoming me as a friend with such open arms.  Usually, there’s a catch.  In exchange for their friendship, I’m usually asked to help them out with something or meet some expectation and I’ve sort of accepted it as the norm.  But with you, that wasn’t the case.  You made the effort to hang out with me and get to know me and it was…different.  I’m not sure how else to describe it.  But, because of this new change, I’m not exactly sure what to do.  It was easier to be me when I didn’t really know you but now that we’ve gotten closer, the cynic in me feels compelled to push you away.  There’s a large part of me that keeps saying, “Good things don’t last forever” and because I’m so absolutely convinced of that, there’s a part of me that is trying to screw things up now to cushion the eventual pain.  Stupid, right?  Any other person would just enjoy what’s happening right now but I am that insecure idiot that needs to screw things up.  I’m not sure what the point of writing this was anymore but, if you’re reading this and happen to guess that I am talking about you, just know that I don’t actually hate you.  When I say something mean or sarcastic, I do it because I don’t exactly know how else I should act.  Truth is, it shouldn’t be hard for me to tell you the truth or be true around you but I’d be lying if I said it was. 

love and lost

Dear J,
Think about the times we had together. I sincerely think we would have been good for each other. You made me feel things I’d never felt before then took it away as if it was nothing. As if I was nothing. No explanation. Imagine how that feels. I won’t lie. I still hope you’ll call and I probably won’t be able to move on properly till you do. I’m confused that you were just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you know how I’m feeling.  We’ve both had unsuccessful relationships and it hurts me so much that you didn’t give us a chance. I just wanted to be there for you. No drama. Just me and you. I’ve always only wanted to support you not stress you. You said we wouldn’t work out because of the distance and that you can’t give me much but I could have worked with that. All I ever wanted was your time, however much or little. I need you to know that I would have been different. No lies, control, cheating or games.  I don’t know if things ended because of what happened outside DJ, your ex-girlfriend or because you truly didn’t want someone in your life. But you will soon enough because we all want someone in our life. And when you do, I’ll still be here. Still wanting you just the way you are. You made the decision to end it for the both of us so you had to be sure that it was the right one. You still think it was the right choice and yes I’m hurting now. But you know that I’m hurting because you hurt me. You still wouldn’t take it back because you know you can’t make yourself love me and you’ll just be making yourself unhappy later on and wanting you to be happy has always been more important than wanting you by my side. You need to know that I’ve never blamed you.  You’re not a villian for choosing to leave.
I always felt that our relationship was worth fighting for. I still think that it is but I can’t be the only one fighting. I wish you would have fought for me. I’m still fighting for a chance to be with you but I don’t know if I should. Maybe I gave you more than than you were willing to give me. I hope someday you’ll realize great things when they come around and I hope you don’t lose something real. You mean a lot to me. We had something. Maybe it’s over. Maybe you need time. Either way my feelings for you won’t change.   I still hope that you’ll show up at my door and tell me that it’s not over, that it was never over for you. No matters what happens between us in the future, just remember that you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I’ll always care about you and want the best for you. You deserve more than the world will ever be able to give you but I hope you get what you’ve always wanted.  love always,E

a truth.

there is something ironic about being in love and being loved back — in getting what you want. because when you’re happy, when you’re in a state of almost perfect domestic bliss, when you’ve been settled down for almost eight months and you spend your nights together laughing and cooking and baking and taking walks and tickling each other and watching movies and making love and going on dates — when this happens, no one wants to hear about it. people like hearing about heartbreak, because heartbreak is so easy to relate to. heartbreak is so easy to find in a world where you feel like the risks you take in love are only rewarded with disappointment, when your parents are getting divorced and you’re getting rejected and it seems like that fairy tale ending will never actually find you. everyone wants to be able to relate to other people’s heartbreaks. nobody ever actually wants to hear about your domestic relationship, and even if they do, they’re probably steaming with jealousy inside when they hear about it.

ironically, in a way, it was easier for me to post to this tumblr before i was in a relationship. it was easier for me to find things to write about when i was in a constant state of uncertainty about where i stood with my now-boyfriend and the boys who came before him. now, i feel like i shouldn’t bore you all with stories about how we stay in on friday nights and huddle on the couch and watch movies and i hide under his arm during scary parts. i feel like i shouldn’t make you all have to deal with my gushing over how much we’re in love and how happy we both are. i feel like i owe you guys something more than that, something that you can relate to, something profound that will strike you — not, so we baked some brownies this weekend.

that’s not to say that my boyfriend and i don’t have our rough patches, our spats and fights, that i don’t annoy the living shit out of him sometimes and he doesn’t do the same to me, that we haven’t had our crises and our crying sessions. but for the first time in my life i can see forever. neither of us has ever been this happy in a relationship before, where we click on every single level — mentally, physically, emotionally.

but i don’t know how to explain that in words. believe me, i’ve tried. i spent an entire month trying to write a poem for this boy and it didn’t even begin to cover all the things i felt — and still absolutely feel — about him. i don’t know how to write about these feelings or this situation in a way that isn’t boring or ridiculously vague, so i’ve neglected posting to this site for almost as long as i’ve been in a relationship. and i feel ridiculously guilty about that, but i’m not sure how to fix it. i feel like i will probably post more in the summer because it will be the first time that we’ll be away from each other for an extended amount of time, but until then, i’m not really sure what to say. i’m not the kind of person to be at a loss for words — ever — but this boy, quite literally, leaves me speechless, every single day. even when i’m angry at him, i never let myself forget how lucky i am. i don’t know how to live without him.

and maybe that’s all there really is to say about it right now. maybe i have to try harder. i don’t really know, other than that for the first time in my life, i can say that i’m happy, and i’m truly in love.

-c.

Our Apologies.

Dearest Followers,

We’re so sorry for the lack of updates lately (aka, we haven’t actually posted something since December) but we’re back and hopefully stronger than ever!  Thanks so much for sticking through with us!  We appreciate it so much!

<3,
c. & ekl.